Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted