Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Spring cleaning checklist…
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer