mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
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Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”