Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.