MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
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We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Hello Twits.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”