Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.