mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
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Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan