mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
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Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.