Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
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I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.