Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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This might be the funniest tweet ever
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*