Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.