Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

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Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school


Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol


being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot


Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips


Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.


How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.


[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”


A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.


She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”


Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.