@JohnLyonTweets

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

You Might Also Like

@heyitsJudeD

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

@joeljeffrey

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

@_chase_____

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

@iwearaonesie

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

@MisterD78UK

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

@PMTheron1

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

@KeetPotato

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

@njlitigator

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

@Try2StopME

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

@AnniemuMary

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.