[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation