Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.