Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
peep davidson
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.