“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
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Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Lmao the reply
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
This came to me in a dream.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My time has come.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is