@Marlebean

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

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@starsnbars7

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

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SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

@ImSoFrancis

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

@Matt_The_1st

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

@DarkerWillow

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

@TheTweetOfGod

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

@krisv_723

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.