“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Danger is very dangerous
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.