Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
You Might Also Like
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?