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ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Not all heroes wear capes….
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?