“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
a fate I wish upon no one
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.