“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
can’t catch a break
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.