“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
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Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it