“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
this chia pet tastes awful
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.