“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.