Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.