Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
And bowling should be called pinball
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
A fake ID that makes you younger
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]