[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Put this video in the Louvre
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.