moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
No Google it does not
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Cool shirt 🙂
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.