“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
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Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
very niche meme I made
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.