“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.


I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.


*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm


*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard


My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”


[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane


I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.


Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.