Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

PLEASE READ

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

and this one

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE