Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
You Might Also Like
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.