Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.