Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
This is my bus stop.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we