Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?