Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Need this in my life lol
iPhone X