Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.