Monday Lisa
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boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon