Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
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People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I bet
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Does your wife know you’re single?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
No, I don’t think I will.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward