Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
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my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
then why did i get this email
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”