Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
My flabber has been gasted.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….