‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
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If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?