“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options