Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
You Might Also Like
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.