Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
You Might Also Like
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.