money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
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Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”