Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
do what now??
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous