Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate