Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.