Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
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My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn