Monica just destroyed the internet
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*