Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Every work meeting this week
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too