Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.