Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?