monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”