Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
channeling her this year
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.